Tidal Wave

one thing's for sure

i haven't been this depressed in a very long while

i haven't felt the need to be alone, to deal with my invisible shit since almost forever

it's putting a strain on my relationship, and on everything, i just want to be alone, want to be left alone

and she doesn't understand nor appreciate that, cuz she's the kind that needs people around her when she's depressed, i don't want anyone to pamper me, i just want to deal, to try and find out what's making me feel this way

why do i resent my life and other's lives as well, we make fun of some shit on a daily basis yet some people's dreams are that very same shit we make fun of.

walking hand in hand 3al kornish, eating icecream from some shop then waking back home, that could be a romantic thing to do if it was in any other country, without the hoards of sons of bitches waiting to either comment on you two or grope her depending on your location.

yet blaming them is only part of the equation, it's hard to teach people about equality and respecting the female body when their own body is not respected, their hunger pangs, their dignity, from the policeman, the rich guy in his car, the neighbors, the other people riding on the bus.

we make fun of random stuff, for example it's my turn to take you out today, let me buy you lunch, Erm... didn't you say you craved fuul and ta3meya sandwiches?, yet most people eat that more than once a day, it's not a joke, it's sad

i feel like crying, and again i haven't cried in a while, i've been detached from all forms of emotional stimuli for longer than eternity and now it's all coming back in one strong combined blow to the gut

i feel hate towards society and life and contempt towards myself and my like, the privileged ones, i feel we don't do enough and i'm not sure if i want to do something, cuz i don't believe it will make a difference and i can't live with myself for feeling like that


i haven't felt that much disdain for myself in a very long while