Friday, December 22, 2006

how to prank a telemarketeer

THIS is just brilliant

p.s i am back from London (obviously) and i'm swamped with work (merry christmas y'all)

i will get back with details of the trip and our visit to the police station there and everything

take care

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

The following events and characters are entirely fictional.

I am Travelling to London for about 10 days or so tuesday night as a habit i like to leave my faithful readers (all 4 of them or so that stuck by during the dry spells) with some long post to read ( although i might have overstayed my welcome this time)

*plus it was something i needed to write

(warning: long post, if you don't have time then read it later)

The following events and characters are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to actual events or characters living or dead is purely conincidental (unless you are one of those characters then, ooops)

Main Characters: "He"
and "kareemfromegypt"


Friday 1oth of nov, 3 am.
was she eyeing me? Sherief asked himself. i could tell that she had something on her mind, maybe she was wondering why i was making myself available again, as oposed to the last 6 months of making myself scarce, hmmm... forget about it man, it was probably just her bad luck that u caught her looking at you 4 times in the same night, so what if one of them was an outright stare, so what if her fiance was only 4 meters away dancing at the dancefloor. it was innocent, right?

Sunday 12th of Nov, 1 pm.
ok so they had a big fight, but it happens, except of course it usually doesn't happen because he was like 5-10 minutes late in telling her happy anniversary. he said he was gonna make it up to her

Monday 13th of Nov, 11 am.
ok so obviously they have bigger reasons for fighting, anyway the plans to make it up to her blew up in his face (not his fault to be honest) and now they don't talk (i'm glad she knows she can never call me)

Monday 13th of Nov, 10:30 pm.
Wooaah, never saw that one coming, never expected such a low blow from her, not towards him (he is the love of her life) i never expected her to rub his financial position in, then pour some salt on it by making a scene infront of her compound security and storming out of the car.

tuesday 14th of Nov, 5 pm
ok so he went and met her father, i told him it would be no use, the guy supported him completely, but i doubt he will ever do anything to help (plus he always had a greater influence on her than her own father ever did)

wednesday 15th of Nov, all day.
He is wondering wether he should continue with the relationship/engagement, first time for me to know that she threw the band in his face twice already in the past 4 months.

thursday 16th of Nov, all day.
He is still wondering

Friday 17th of Nov, 11 am.
they meet and talk, fail to reach a conclusion, and take off their bands.

Friday 17th of Nov, 4pm- 11 pm
Some of her friends and a relative talk to him about thinking this over ( i remain neutral in order not to be misunderstood, Lord knows i have been in the past)

Friday 17th of Nov, 11:30 pm
she calls him and the following conversation ensues
She: did you ask to see papy tomorrow?
He: yes
She: why?
He: WTF??? why? what do you mean why?, to talk to him about to today
She: huh? you mean we are over?
he: ??? what did you think taking off the band was?
She: i thought it means we are having a fight
He: since when did it ever mean that?
She: so it really is over? (starts sobbing)
He: yeah
she then breaks down and cries for half an hour, with a thousand i'm sorry's and i love you's and please don't leave me
then he parks his car and goes inside the hotel (he had a wedding to attend) stays on the phone for another 30 minutes, hangs up, stays at the wedding for 1/2 an hour then goes out, calls her again, she continues her crying for about another 45 minutes

Saturday 18th of Nov, 11am
He puts the band back on before going to meet her father

Saturday 18th of Nov, 10pm
i ask him what's up after he told me about the band incident, he relays the phone call to me, i can't believe he fell for the entire "oh i didn't know that this was the end" act
i keep my calm and ask him what does he plan to do next, to which he replies, "nothing, i'm not even convinced that this is going to work, i just put the band on because i am giving myself some time to cool off, and because i didn't want to finalize it." and then he adds "we are seperated now, i'm considering this phase as if we got divorced but i haven't registered it yet" I am not convinced, naturally

Tuesday 21st of Nov, 10 pm.
sherief hears from a mutual friend that he went to her place to have dinner (so he assumes everything is going back to normal

Wednesday 22nd of Nov, 11am
the following conversation between me and him:
Sherief: so you went yesterday and met her
He: yeah (sheepishly)
Sherief: and you went out somewhere (i know he didn't)
He: no, we stayed at her place (voice trailing off)
Sherief: (acting surprized) you did? like with her mom and everything? at home? as in one big happy family?
He: well... it's just because i got the CPA exam, u know i'm travelling tomorrow, and if i had went there in our state i would have definetly stayed there, you know i got offered a job there
at that point i steer the conversation towards the offer (as i think i have made my point) i don't think even he is convinced with that reason.

Thursday 23rd of Nov, 8pm
she drives him to the airport, then calls sherief on her way home
She: Alo?
Sherief: yes?
She: it's ****
Sherief: i know
She: i thought you might have erased my number
Sherief: even if i had, i have a freakishly good memory with numbers.
She: can i see you?
Sherief: something specific?
She: i just need a familiar face to talk to
Sherief: and i guess this is as familiar as it gets
She: well... i was hoping to talk to someone who isn't judgemental
Sherief: not anymore, not as before anyway
She: please
Sherief: ok ok, i am at home anyway, not going anywhere

i only said ok out of curiosity, what made her want to talk to me that badly?, they had problems in the past and never had she come to me with them. (i wonder if she knows that i know) was it because of the other night at the club?

she arrives, looking great i might add, she had gained a couple of kilos, and i love a full figure (anyway) and we go sit at what used to be the regular hangout of the group

Sherief/me: you gained weight
She: is that a good thing or a bad thing?
and i go: you know wether it's a good thing or a bad thing
She: thanks
I: so, what's up?
She: actually i need to lose weight
I: really?
She: yeah (HE) prefers me slimmer
I: i know he likes skinny chicks, i'm surprised he ever hooked up with you
She: ouch
I: well it's true
She: anyway i'm going to the nutritionist this saturday
I: good for you
She: what's wrong with you? you sound distant and distracted, i mean i'm used to the bluntness, but the absentmindedness kinda scares me, you were always sharp
I: i thought today was about you, not me
She: that's the sherief i'm used to

So the conversation goes back and forth in a similar tone for about 90 minutes, i figure "great, she doesn't sound like she got something up her sleeve"

We get back in her car, she used to do most of the driving, wether i liked it or not, nothing changed that day, we cruised for a while, then she parked all of a sudden in a side street and got out of the car. (and i hoped secretly that this wasn't one of her crazy fits)

then she got back in...

I: what was that all about?
She: nothing, i was checking the trunk, i thought i had left something.
I: ok, for a while i thought you were gonna get the jack or something to hit me with
She: (laughing) why would i ever do that?

And then she is all over me, kissing me and putting her hand over my crotch

I: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! (as i push her away)
She: come on!!!! (going for it again)
I: (i push her again) STOP IT!!!
She: What!!!
I: is that your idea of revenge? what the hell was all that talk about losing weight back there?
She: what? no no i'm not gonna tell him, ever, he would leave me if he found out
I: you think?
She: come onnnn!!!!!
I: No

(she takes her top off, turns out she had taken off her bra and put it in the trunk)

(Sherief gets out of the car)

She: Wait (buttoning it down again)
I: What now?
She: i'll tell him
I: i'll take my chances, Oh and ****
She: yeah?
I: fuck you and your crazy, lunatic mother

(that's her soft spot, her mom's sanity... bitch)

Friday 24th of Nov, all day
she keeps calling me and i don't answer, i just need her to send one condemning SMS (yet i can't get the picture of her "topless" from my head... i had forgotten how she looked)

All she sent so far was along the lines of "we need to talk about yesterday" ( i guess no one is that stupid)

plus i don't want to ruin the engagement, i just need something to shut her up with, some guarantee that she won't make up some story

i sent her a couple of messages trying to extract a confession out of her, again nothing

Saturday 25th of Nov, 11 am.

i decide to meet her, to talk some sense ino her, i answer her next call

I: so, what's up
She: you're coming to my house, tonight.
I: no, let's meet somewhere first
She: no, you'll do as i say
I: is your place empty?
She: yeah, mom went to visit my sis and she's spending the night there, and you are spending it here
I: i got work tomorrow
She: so do i
I: let's just meet somewhere first, then go to your place later, what's the rush
She: i'll see you at 7 at my place


(damn, this didn't go as i'd hoped at all, maybe face to face i can do better)

Sherief calls Kareem

S: yo man, you busy
K: nope, sitting at Euro Deli writting some stuff
S: alone?
K: yeah, who would sit with the crazy dude typing away at his keyboard?
S: ok... look i need to talk to someone, can i come?
K: yeah but give me 15 minutes to wrap up the chapter i'm writting.
S: i'm on the way

Sherief enters to find Kareem halfway through a big cheese burger

S: what happened to the diet? what happened to the chapter?
K: free meal, writters block, plus food is good for creativity, fuck them salads man

K: so what's up?
S: you remember ****
K: wasn't she the one with the Big bazoombas? excuse me ya3ni
S: the one and only
K: yeah sure i remember her, what happened to her
S: she's engaged, to ****
K: damn!!!! how did that happen? you and him are close aren't you?
S: yeah, but not as much as before
K: so he is cool with the fact that u used to refer to her as the one with the big bazoombas?
S: well... i'm not sure if he remembers anyway, plus i don't refer to her as that anymore
K: no one forgets such a thing Sherief, i thought you knew that
S: well that's not the problem anyway, the problem is....

(and i relay to him what happened)

K: and what exactly do you aim to achieve by going?
S: i'm not sure i should go, that's why i am talking with you
K: well you said you were going, i wouldn't want to tick her off, she has no problems lying about anything, sounds to me like you're in deep shit
S: you think i needed you to tell me that?
K: ok, ok. so you obviously don't want to go through with it, right?
S: Kareem, you have no idea how close i came to going for her in the car
K: i'm surprised you didn't, the whole "what goes around comes around thing" that gets me to stop at these kinda situations, although I gotta say I never had one that was similar to this, not this bad anyway
S: so?
K: Good luck man, i might be tempted to hit and quit, maybe she'll shut up then, i don't think she'll take being rejected very well, then again it could be a trap...

so what would you guys do if you were sherief????