Friday, September 14, 2007

Tidal Wave

one thing's for sure

i haven't been this depressed in a very long while

i haven't felt the need to be alone, to deal with my invisible shit since almost forever

it's putting a strain on my relationship, and on everything, i just want to be alone, want to be left alone

and she doesn't understand nor appreciate that, cuz she's the kind that needs people around her when she's depressed, i don't want anyone to pamper me, i just want to deal, to try and find out what's making me feel this way

why do i resent my life and other's lives as well, we make fun of some shit on a daily basis yet some people's dreams are that very same shit we make fun of.

walking hand in hand 3al kornish, eating icecream from some shop then waking back home, that could be a romantic thing to do if it was in any other country, without the hoards of sons of bitches waiting to either comment on you two or grope her depending on your location.

yet blaming them is only part of the equation, it's hard to teach people about equality and respecting the female body when their own body is not respected, their hunger pangs, their dignity, from the policeman, the rich guy in his car, the neighbors, the other people riding on the bus.

we make fun of random stuff, for example it's my turn to take you out today, let me buy you lunch, Erm... didn't you say you craved fuul and ta3meya sandwiches?, yet most people eat that more than once a day, it's not a joke, it's sad

i feel like crying, and again i haven't cried in a while, i've been detached from all forms of emotional stimuli for longer than eternity and now it's all coming back in one strong combined blow to the gut

i feel hate towards society and life and contempt towards myself and my like, the privileged ones, i feel we don't do enough and i'm not sure if i want to do something, cuz i don't believe it will make a difference and i can't live with myself for feeling like that

i haven't felt that much disdain for myself in a very long while

Karim is a friend of mine

The dude doesn't pick up, never answers his phone, doesn't reply to our emails and we're all worried sick about him

He's the smartest person you'll ever meet, a sense of humor that's unmatched, a genius both conversationally and academically, the guy was the top of his class and the top of our school with virtually no studying.

he sent us a mail about a month ago appologizing for not being a "good friend" and all, and his exact words were:

It has taken me quite a while to write the next couple of words ..

I just wanted to apologize for not being a very good friend lately, even though I honestly don't understand what the word means .. I know I have "disappeared" many times before, and it isn't very amusing any more .. But of all the times when I just couldn't deal with everything, I had never felt the need to vanish so strongly before ..

I have been dealing with a lot of things lately, and I just realized that I can't resolve all of those issues on my own .. I acknowledge the need to seek dedicated professional advice .. I really appreciate your concern, and I apologize again for being a prick ..

Hope you are all doing well, and hope next time we meet it will better for all of us ..

that last paragraph in particular "Hope you are all doing well, and hope next time we meet it will better for all of us .. "sounds a bit too suicidal for my liking

i don't know how to reach out to him, i'm sure he's got real shit on his mind, the heavy, hardcore type, like being raped or seeing your mom in bed with another guy or seeing your younger brother blowing his uncle or something, just not sure what to do with him, and he's never been the type to talk about his normal problems, i can only imagine what some real shit will do to him.

i hope he's seeing a therapist

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


The Ex's Father Died yesterday

THE ex is what i call my former girlfriend of a year and a half, the relationship that felt most right, not an ex, the ex

I just got off the phone with her and she broke me

i haven't felt like crying in ages

her whimper really hit the spot

plus the fact that i'm not used to her being vulnerable, she's tough as nails when she needs to, and she's been through a hell of a lot over the past 4 years but never complained.

although we don't talk regularly, i still care for her, despite the rumors that were never confirmed, despite never giving me a reason as to why she broke up with me, she'll always be special to me

may God give her more strength for that one

will get back to you guys in a while

Allah yer7amo