Trip and having kids
I am traveling for the next 5 days or so Egyptian Easter plus the liberation of Sinai gave us a long weekend and a much needed break.
I leave you with this thought to ponder.
What would you do if you discovered after 2-3 maybe even 5 years of being happily married to your soul mate that you couldn’t have kids?
I had this conversation with a couple of my friends a while back
And then we proposed the other option (what would one do if the soul mate was the one who can’t have kids?)
(M) said that he would remarry if she couldn’t have kids, cuz he wants kids and that having kids is what drives you forward after sex and glory fizzle out. (I’m not sure if he was the one to initiate the conversation or if I started the debate, but he was outspoken about it and quite honest). He also said that if it was him who couldn’t have any kids that he would divorce said soul mate to avoid putting her in a situation where she had to chose ( to save her the embarrassment of having to ask for divorce, to make the ball in her court, so if she was to shy or afraid to hurt his feelings by asking for divorce she wouldn’t have to) I found that both opinions were not a bad idea though debatable
p.s his girlfriend was not present at the time (although I doubt it would have made a difference)
“the asshole” agreed that if it was him he would save her from being the bad person by divorcing her ( not offering cuz she would just say no out of emotions, but by actually divorcing her and seeing how things work out after six months or so) upon asking him if he would divorce her if it was her who couldn’t have kids he said no that he viewed marriage as a death do us part more or less and one should take his soul mate as a package. He was single at the time but had feelings for the first girl/colleague and had just broken up with (N)/ his current fiancée ( my guess that the whole soul mate/ package thing was a result of his hopeless romantic phase) ie: I don’t think this would be his normal reaction I just think that this was how he felt at the time
As for (H) who was engaged and still remains engaged to (MO), she said that she wouldn’t divorce her husband or ask for divorce in the Egyptian sense ya3ni citing the same whole package thing and also stated that it’s hard t predict the reaction of oneself in such situations, when asked what she would do if it was her who couldn’t have kids she said that it wasn’t her decision but that she wouldn’t accept being “a dorra” as in him remarrying and keeping her as a first wife and that she would ask for divorce if he wanted to remarry. ( her fiance was not present too)
More or less the remainder of the girls approved the not accepting to be a first wife and having him remarry, which I agree with at the moment
As for me, who was highly single at the time by choice and still remains single now (for lack of choices) I had the following to say
Having kids is basically one of the fewest driving forces in life that are not associated with a selfish reward, I mean one wants to be proud of his kids but more than that he wants them to be happy, after your sex drive slows down and after the gleam or glow of having a strong career where you fulfill yourself in fades out, what most of our parents have is doing the best for us.
I’d like to experience that kind of unconditional love towards my kids, that kind of love that’s almost impossible to happen with a partner.
Having said that, I’d much rather be happy with my partner than be miserable with another partner and just staying together for the kids’ sake. So divorcing her or remarrying just because she can’t have kids is out of the question.
however if that fact affects us as it most probably will, and she starts getting insecure about that fact and start smothering me and accuse me of wanting to remarry and starts getting self conscious around other women and their kids then the relationship is doomed. ( so it’s not the fact itself but the consequences that will cause the break up)
on the other hand if I was the one who can’t have kids, then the situation differs, I think I would do the same thing (M) proposed which is divorce her, knowing me I think I would be insecure about such a fact, and that I can’t give her the one thing that most women want more than anything in life. Of course I’m talking about a hypothetical partner (I still don’t know what the actual situation will be) maybe she won’t be that big on kids :)
I’m not a jealous guy, I’m the opposite of that usually in a relationship, in a healthy relationship that is, when the partner considers your feelings. Childish attempts to make me jealous in the past haven’t worked either as I usually saw through them, the only time I get jealous is when I feel belittled by my partner in something she says, and in that case I will have something to be insecure about and i probably will be too alert and too sensitive
In the end I guess what I’m saying is it’s difficult to predict your outcome as it differs from one case to the other
One of my dad’s best friends and his wife don’t have any kids, and it’s a special case as well ( the doctors told them that due to both of them having low fertility, it’s not possible for them to have kids together, that means that if either of them had been with another partner he could have kids, it was a simultaneous decision from both of them to stay together, they tried artificial insemination a couple of times and when that didn’t work they just gave up, just wasn’t meant to be. (That was in the late 80’s so medical discoveries were not as advanced as they are today) probably if they had tried with what we have now it could have worked but they’re both over 50 now.
I always admired their decision, made me feel that there was still some romance in this world, and the fact that it was both of them made it even more romantic, there weren’t as many problems as there would be if it was only one of them who had the problem but still they faced some hardships because of their decision, the fact that none of them would be kid less if they had divorced and remarried and the fact that they chose to take the hard path together made me respect what they had.
In the end I would like whoever wants to comment on that topic to share his views, what would you do if it was you and what would you do if it was your partner/soul mate
P.S It’s a long post but I thought I must write something before I travel for the next 5 days, I’m not your regular 5 posts a day blogger but I try whenever the chance arises