Sunday, March 26, 2006

Said i wasn't cheating then i began repeating

the title is from a song from the american pie 2 soundtrack by a group called jettingham the song is called cheating

(i just love women)

i met an old college friend online a couple of days ago and after exchanging the usual hellos and joking for about 10 minutes this is what followed

my thoughts and interpretation on what happened are in blue)

Me: wenty eh akhbaarek? (how's it going?)
Her: Fine.. No new news
Me: no news is good news
Me: they say
Her: yupp
Me: still engaged?
Me: you know who's getting engaged as well? (trying to lessen the importance of the previous question)
Her: Good question... Yesss
Her: Who??
Me: eshme3na good question? ( eshme3na = why is it)
Me: so you got over the cold feet and the worries? (another good question which she chose to ignore)
Her: ya3ny definitely people do not ask if you are still engaged
Her: they ask how is your fiance

Me: not me
Me: i ask still engaged
Her: ma3lena (ma3elna = whatever)
Me: so how is your fiance : )
Her: FIne : D
Her: Who is getting engaged then?? (didn't answer my cold feet question)
Me: I tell her that my best friend the asshole is getting engaged
Her: Kidding
Me: mofag2a ya man (surprise)
Me: tomorrow
Her: Reallllllllllyyyyyy
Me: 7aga weskha (doesn't translate well but something along the lines of shit)
Me: i have no remaining single friends from college save one
Me: but the rest of the close group
Me: betoo3 el safar wel 7arakaat (the close group with whom i travel and hang out)
Me: 2 married including one with a baby
Me: and two are engaged including (the asshole)
Me: and another one ra7 kalem ahlaha bas haynafez by the end of the year (and another one plans to propose by the end of the year)

anyway the conversation moved on to other boring topics of conversation, however in order to understand the meaning behind this bit you must know the FOLLOWING:

almost 7 months ago i was going to a wedding with this friend, it was a wedding of a mutual friend. And the following is what I wrote then before I discovered the wonderful world of blogging

the freaking out cheater: (mainly females) now this is a personal experience (I was the target of being cheated with) it happens with the Egyptian girl after being proposed to, if you know the dynamics of the courting game, and I guess in a lot of other places in the world, the male is responsible for 100% of the decision to get married and when a guy proposes, it’s usually after a lot of soul searching and coming to peace with the fact that he wants to settle down, this is not the case with the female as usually she doesn’t have a clue before the guy drops the proposal on her head and no guy takes the “I need time to think” reply well when he’s on one knee, so with the female being cornered into saying yes just merely by the fact that she can’t afford to say no (she does love him after all) and this might be her only chance at nailing this guy who after all she wants, just not right now

so with the female saying yes and the engagement being planned, she starts to panic, thinking Is this what I really want in life? Do I really want him? Am I gonna be happiest with him? And so on.

Now all it takes is a reference to marriage or being invited to wedding to unleash the panic monster and I was the unlucky recipient of aforementioned panic attack. ( I say unlucky because I’m a big believer in Karma and what goes around comes around and all similar sayings) plus I don’t like being a home wrecker)

This is what happened

We were on our way to a friend’s wedding, about a one hour drive, just 10 minutes into the drive I ask about her own engagement plans (note that I wasn’t invited to her engagement), just an innocent question to pass the time and I figured that should give us something to talk about (okay maybe the question wasn’t that innocent, maybe I was fishing for some trouble to boost my ego)

This is a summary of the conversation that followed

  • So are you excited about the day after tomorrow (her engagement party)
  • Yeah (in a very non convincing tone )
  • U seem stressed about it
  • more than you imagine
  • why? I thought you’ve been dating for years, can’t imagine anything less stressful, there are no surprises
  • well that’s mainly the reason, I don’t feel the spark anymore, it’s all too expected, I’m afraid that I don’t love him anymore and that all that’s left is that we know each other too well, that he’s cozy, like an old pair of shoes, but he’s not what I want (already she’s fishing for it, or at least implying that she would enjoy something wild, an indirect green light, like I’m the new pair of jimmy choo’s that will give her a new thrill)

note: I look more like the old school converse after three years of use than a jimmy choo so my guess is she wanted some sure shot guy with a dirty rep who wouldn’t refuse her in a hundred years, not that I was irresistible, I’m extremely resistible, infact I challenge my reader to point out anybody (any guy) who’s more resistible than me, don’t get me wrong I don’t see myself as ugly, I know I’m not ugly, just resistible

anyway back to the conversation, now it was my turn to say something, now how can I say something subtle enough to deflect her green light but not too harsh so as to ruin my future chances in case the engagement is called off and she’s back on the market and without sounding gay while doing that?

I lit a cigarette and took a long drag and figured partial brutal honesty could work

  • you know, I always wondered about people who’ve been together for a long time and how they do it and I thought you were a good example to ask (stalling for time while still probing the option and giving her a chance to clarify her intent)
  • Well, you know what Kareem? I thought that too until I heard him propose, then I started to question whether I wanted to begin my marriage with no spark, you know that a lot of the marriages that had a lot of spark failed, so what are my chances if I start with no spark whatsoever?
  • Well the opposite could be said about a whole lot of other marriages that started with no spark and evolved into something solid
  • I’m not convinced, I don’t know, and I’m scared
  • Scared of what? Marriage? Or failing at it?
  • Both
  • Look, a big reason for failed marriages is high expectations, we go into them expecting we’re somewhat better than the rest and that our marriage is going to be a fairy tale, when in fact there are no fairy tale marriages, just look around you, look at our parents and their friends and our friends’ parents
  • Way to encourage a girl to getting married
  • I’m not encouraging you to get married, I’m trying to be a good friend, giving you a perspective that none of your girl friends will give you and my guess is you haven’t tried talking to them in the first place (notice the trying to be a good friend on my behalf)
  • Yeah, they will just cheer me all the way to the honeymoon
  • So if you take what I just said about how we have high expectations about marriage then this should make your marriage the most likely to succeed because there are no expectations, no surprises
  • Why do we get married in the first place? I’m not convinced I want to get married anyway

No this was the time for me to ask her why she said yes in the first place, however I decided against it, I needed to guide her gently to the conclusion not push her there

And it was around that time when I thought I was making progress when she reached for my hand and held it, I kept my hand in hers out of being supportive and not to be rude, you all know how difficult it is for a lot of girls to make first move and after all it was my hand not my thigh or even worse

  • Well, marriage is an attestation of and another form of declaring love and of course for raising kids (didn’t really say much here did i?)
  • Yeah but again why does it have to be in that form, I dunno kareem I’m very worried and I don’t know what to do

And then she leans on my shoulder, now if that ain’t my cue to be an asshole then I don’t know what is

(by the way, Our friendship was mainly about extreme flirting but never was touchy feely so this was new to me)

( I don’t want to be a home wrecker, and I never met the guy but I’m a big believer in karma and what goes around comes around kind of things and I wouldn’t want my fiancĂ©e to do something similar to me two days before my engagement) so what came out next was the following)

  • I’ll tell you what you should do, obviously you can’t call it off NOW, nobody deserves THAT done to him, and I’m sure you still have some feelings towards him and you wouldn’t want to do that to him, and come engagement day you’ll be too busy and surrounded by friends that it won’t even show that you’re second guessing the whole thing and after that, well… a lot of engagements don’t work out, we see it everyday plus you’ll have time to think this over (as clear as june sky) (GAY as JACK from will and grace)
  • Yeah I guess you’re right (she was thinking about her next move)

At that time my cell phone rings and it’s “my best friend the asshole” wondering why I was late for the wedding ( he always had this annoying habit of remembering to call me when I was alone with a girl in a compromising situation BUT for the first time I was thankful that he called

So after I finished the call I knew everything was okay and that she got the message, plus we were only 5 minutes away if she decides to do anything more.

Now that I think about that day I wonder what she’s doing with the guy and what were her motives towards the whole conversation, did she want to get me out of her system or did she want to get guys in general out of her system and I was convenient? And most importantly does what she did count as cheating?

I think cheating is a horrible thing and damages both the person doing the cheating and the one being cheated on. In fact I believe it does more damages to the one doing the cheating, but that’s another post altogether

Waiting for your comments and answers


Crazy Girl said...

Ok one, don't put yourself down like that.I'm sure your hot and fine just the way you are.

I'm a little confused which is probally cause I am beat but when this happen with this girl? Currently or a while back? Umm Did she wind up getting engaged to him or not.
I promise I will reread it again later.

Crazy Girl said...

I missed a "did" somewhare in that comment

Crazy Girl said...

ok read it happened seven months ago.. blah me is dork! So what were you doing driving and engaged girl to a wedding? Isn't that like ayaeeb!

KareemFromEgypt said...

hehe i like the me is dork comment :)

well i don't blame you and the layout is not very helpfull because the fookin blogger is doing crazy shit i tried posting it for about 40 minutes, i didn't even notice it was 40 minutes untill after i was done, and i can't edit it now :(

anyway, regarding the ayeeb thingy, well not all egyptians are the same, some of them find it ayeeb while others do it all the time, my guess is the guy didn't bother to go to the wedding of one of her college friends who he never met, plus they have a very open relationship and trust each other more than they probably should, in fact yasmina i got the same reaction from her about him travelling to sinai alone with another girl or other stuff along those lines, the way they act is like an old couple who just gave up on each other and are there for social purposes.

p.s she wasn't engaged yet, the engagment wasn't for another two days :p

KareemFromEgypt said...

i dunno anything about her past 6 months, i figured if she is having problems with her fiance then she needs to resolve them on her own, without my presence. so i stayed away and therefore have no clue what is going on in her head.
i'd like to know though but i'm afraid she'll get me the wrong way and think i'm fishing for some booty :)

Crazy Girl said...

lol. Fishing for some booty. I might be better not to ask cause your right she might think your after her or something and besides. She made her choice why should you sit around and wait!

KareemFromEgypt said...

i ain't waiting for nobody but i was curious to know what happened and how she dealt with those kind of feelings, you never know when you might find yourself in the same situation

Hanouma said...

U know Kareem i like very much ure stories, really it gives me a lot of info about u young guys these days coz i feel too old. and i wanna be prepared to how to deal with my daughter( even she is only 4).

Any way about this post i can assume that she is very young and girls here are raised to grow up and get marry as marriage is their final destination which is not, also we r raised to marry young just for the reason of marriage and most of the girls get jealous from each other and every one wants to get engaged before her friends or relatives even to the wrong guy.

Marrige is a very complicated thing and in my opinion u must pass through lot of experiences to find out who is the right guy for u( or the right girl), any way the right person and the first one in many cases is not the right one coz till u r 30 years old, ure feelings , way of thinking changes every now and then so when u marry in early age by id thirties or early forties you'll b another person leaving with a totally stranger, that's why poeple cheats each other if they can't divorce becoz of children etc.

that's part of my opinion, cheating we'll talk about it in another comment

KareemFromEgypt said...

not a bad idea hanouma, getting married late that is.

actually i have no problems with early marriages like when a girl is 25 or so and a guy is 27 or so but anything earlier is a little bit too early.

some people might argue that the more you wait the more rigid and less flexible you become in the sense that you get used to a certain lifestyle and then it becomes harder to adapt. i disagree with them, i believe we all want to be loved and for the majority of girls (and guys) in egypt it has to be through marriage.

what i really didn't understand is that this girl is still 23 which is young but not too young.

what i still don't understand is the fact that she didn't HAVE to get married now, her parents knew of the guy and liked him and as far as i know there was no pressure to get married now other than being afraid to lose him

as for knowing him, they dated for over 6-7 years so i guess they know each other well but if so then why was she feeling these feelings? why the cold feet?

i think i have a pretty good idea for the entire situation and its causes but nothing for sure.

anyway i was writting this post to share it with you rather than to wonder or question myself

till the cheating post then.